By Michael Ruben LICSW
Each of us has a different relationship with money. Often, this is shaped by our childhood experiences and informed by our parents’ attitudes, whether in mimicking or reacting against them. Differing spending styles is one of the biggest causes of tension within couples. For example, one partner feels that luxury vacations are vital to happiness, and what their family did. Another may feel expensive vacations are frivolous, and money should be saved with staycations. Money can be viewed as a tool to offset anxiety or insecurity; or as a path to pleasure and joy. To the extreme, we could have a hoarder vs. a spendthrift. How to reconcile these differences in a couple is crucial.
The approach I suggest is a middle ground. Firstly, decide what needs to be saved each month. Then, in one column list family expenses relative to income. Ignore necessities, and look for waste in expenditures, which I would define as the Cost-to-Joy measurement. For example, are expensive meals out with tax and 20% tip giving you that much pleasure, relative to a less expensive restaurant, a picnic, or eating at home? Could you have a cocktail at home before going out? Should you cut the cable cord and how many streaming channels do you need? Individually, figure out places where you might cut costs. Then each partner can choose the non-negotiable “luxuries” for themselves. It might just be that vacation or coffee, a gym membership, massage, or a house cleaner. Depending on what’s left after budget adjustments, allow each person a dollar amount for their "luxuries." Each person gets an equal “no questions asked” budget for their personal use. A frugal person may save or invest their funds, which makes them feel secure. It’s important that each person feels a sense of control and well being, and also vital that a financial plan is in place for the future. It’s possible to have both with planning. We find that couples who put things in writing have less conflict and are more likely to stick to the plan. And setting aside some amount of no questions asked money each month for both partners avoids a lot of ongoing conflict.
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